Friday, February 24, 2012

What's up in a "Nutshell"

I have 'returneded', (reference to John Leguizamos movie "the Pest" in case no one caught that).  It seems that I have returned empty handed though.  I am afraid I have no pearls of wisdom to offer as of late.  I have been in a state of self-reflection for the last couple of weeks and I have to say that I am not completely happy with myself on several areas.  Although this does not make interesting reading for the happy folks of Bloggonia, it is nevertheless the turmoil of my battered mind.  I have for years maintained a steady grip on sanity, "sobriety", and adulthood, however at times I stare into the dismal face of reality and all that it entails with a little less than the acceptable level of responsibility.

Basically I am a moody bastard from time to time.  I'm sure it's something that most of us can relate to.  We struggle and abide lifes challenges and troubles, then we eventually reap the happiness of the good days that are peppered in with the garbage.  I'm an eternal optimist most days, but then there will be periods of a week or so, where I bathe in the misery of the world and contemplate the greater meaning of it all with little or no satisfaction.  I'm positive there's a medical word for my dilemma, but I just chalk it up as life.  It can't be Sunny all the time!  People that are happy all the time, without exception, worry me and I honestly don't trust them for the most part.

I think that I require a certain amount of wallowing to balance my  mind and soul...to truly appreciate the goodness in life, sometimes you have to visit the darker, less appealing things in our world.

Let me say right away, that I have every reason to be happy and content, and as I've stated, normally I am.  I have a wonderful wife, who is the center of my universe along with my two unbelievable kids, with another on the way, I have a job in a time when so many don't, and am in relatively good shape/health.

All these things however, don't keep me from slipping into my inexplicable chasm of moodiness and melancholy from time to time.  I used to write poetry and short stories in my younger years and all I had to base them on up until that period in my life was misery, disappointment, and sadness.  I produced a lot of writing that my friends and companions, and peers said were "outstanding" and "impressive".

But alas, I'm NOT hopelessly depressed, and downtrodden as I was in those days, so the motivation for my most creative and provocative writing died.  I wonder at times if that isn't what drives so many artists, (not that I'm an artist of any caliber), to untimely demises.  They build a career on a certain persona, or image, then when they attempt to convert to another lifestyle, although it may be a more positive and rewarding one, if it isn't just too much to endure, having to create a whole new personality.  Like their true creative selves have died, so there is nothing "real" to cling to.

Anyway, I am truly ranting tonight and really need to round it up!  I will be back, with a little more pep in my step and hopefully a little sunnier disposition.

Until then, I'll leave you with the musical farewell of one of the true tortured souls of my time.  Layne Staley of Alice in Chains singing "Nutshell" on MTV's Unplugged.  It was one of, if not his last live performance.  His body was obviously ravaged by drug addiction, and when he would talk between songs, his voice was shaky and broken, but in song he was perfection.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbpS2LfoTKU&feature=related

Good night to all, and as Scarlett O'Hara said in my favorite movie of all time, (which is an entire blog in itself), "Tomorrow is another day"!  Sweet Dreams fellow Bloggonians!!

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