Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Trip to the Dark Side and Back

I am back out of hiatus, or rather back from the real world of 12 hour shifts and sleep adjustment...so I sincerely hope my 5 readers haven't missed me too much.   The couple of times that I may have had an opportunity to reenter Bloggonia, I've been struggling with topic issues, of which I have many, but am trying to develop a fan base so I don't won't to offend everyone at once.

As these  blogs progress, I will undoubtedly offend, because I tend to be "brutally" honest, or so I've been told, and I'm extremely opinionated to a fault at times.  But therein lies my pleasure...trying to convince everyone that the way I think is right!

When I finally awakened from the oppressive steel-toe boot kick to the head that my overly-draconian  father had imposed on my  younger years, I grasped for anything that might explain the grand scheme of life, and why so many falter and fail, when others seemingly float around in a see of success, achievement and good fortune.  When you are told from childhood that you're worthless and sorrier than "whale shit on the bottom of the ocean", somehow you start to wonder if it's not true.  Report card days were a real treat.  I used to get literally physically sick on report card days.  I remember my older, and much more studious and smarter brother Bryan, lying for me and telling our parents that our report cards had not been given out yet, so he could buy me another day or two of relief, and paid the price with me for lying.  Things like that, only a brother can do, and  can never be repaid.

I did however manage to graduate high school, ( I was on what I refer to as the "5-year plan"), and afterwards, I thought the Army and it's promises of "being all I could be" was the answer to begin with, and for many of my friends and peers, it was and has been.  I realized then, that I had a serious problem with authority, that still mildly permeates in my personality today, despite my many attempts to quell it.

I entered the work force upon returning from the 18 month drinking binge that is Camp Casey, Korea, to discover that things were just as shitty out in the civilian world, if not worse, than it had been in the military.  Luckily, I fell in with some really good characters that are still mostly prominent in my life 20 years later.  We've all survived this crazy, maddening, yet exhilarating journey together for the most part.  We've lost a couple along the way, but the core group is still intact and older, wiser and all the better for wear.

The thing is life, no matter how overwhelming, how defeating, or how unfair it sometimes may seem, life is essentially a test.  Some say it's a gift, which I agree with, but I believe it goes farther than that.  It is a test, a test of how we respond to the perils, challenges, and obstacles that are thrown our way on a daily basis.  It basically boils down to the choices we make from day-to-day.  A decision to go ahead and hit that joint that's passed to you a few days before a job interview, the bright idea to have unprotected sex, but also the good sense of some to buckle down and avoid the temptations they're barraged with every day to get that education, or job, and the foresight of others to decide to abstain, or at least practice "safe-sex" if there is truly such a thing, (that's a WHOLE other blog entirely!!).

I tried blaming all kinds of things for my problems with family, employment, or what-have-you when I was a younger man. From God, to the "man", my parents, to my own inability to let certain things from my frivolous lifestyle go, then the miracle happened...I became responsible for someone else's life and well-being.  I became a father.  I'll never forget finding out that I was going to be a Dad from my then friend/girlfriend, now 12 year wife,  and retreating to the bathroom to gather my wits.  I was bombed out of my mind; vodka, reefer, and more than likely a pill or two thrown in there back in those days.  She, on the other hand was as straight as an arrow, as always,having still to this day not ever been drunk or high, one of the best people that I've known, PERIOD.  I remember that, as cheesy as it may seem, the Creed song "With Arms Wide Open" was playing on the stereo, (another thing of the past), and I pretty much begged God that if he'd let my child be born healthy with all his fingers, toes, and no deformities, that I'd give up all the stupid things that I was doing at the time.

Fast forward 12 years...I'm still with the only girl that I've ever really loved, have two of the most awesomely wonderful kids that anyone could ask for and another on the way in June of 2012, and I've MOSTLY held up my end of the deal.  I still drink, although with a lot better judgement, but everything else, I've pretty much given up.

I still have my great questions for the universe, or whoever is in charge of it, but I have found solace in the fact that I have traveled a great and trying distance and been down to the point of having seemingly no hope, and risen to the pinnacle of being the beacon in someone else's  life.  I  remember when I was young in Sunday school, our teacher would tell us that you have to be careful what you do, because there is ALWAYS someone that looks up to you...now I convey that same message to my two children, as I've seen it with my own eyes on at least a couple of instances.

Finally on this Valentines Day edition of my foolish blogginess, I find myself wanting for the words to describe the love, affection, and gratitude for the woman who single-handedly drug me out of my mostly  self-imposed pit of self-pity and despair and gave me the greatest gift that anyone could give another person.  Unconditional love.   Happy Valentines Day to my beautiful wife, loving mother, and my rock in the storm of life, Leslie Hanks!!!



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